"Guten Tag, sorry I'm not here right now. I'm so disappointed to be missing your grouching and complaining about why we have invaded you or crushes your vital regons, even if it was the most interesting thing ever hapened to you in a century.
To speak to somebody who has it so much harder than you, write a letter. To speak to God to repent for referring to me as the B word last time we spoke, bark like a dog, spin in a circle and throw yourself to the river. To speak to the Devil who will soon be welcoming you home, wait until I get there.
Thank you and have an awesome day."